I have not updated in quite sometime. And I sincerely doubt that anyone has noticed. Therefore, this update shall be for the benefit of boredom, or the relief thereof. I am absolutely, without a doubt, 100% bored.

It's strange to reminisce about the days that have passed me so quietly and quickly. Of course autumn is near, and those quiet days are all I think about. The season change always brings out my sentimental and reflective side, even more so than usual.

I've been wondering the standard drab and melancholy life questions, such as "what does it all mean?" and "why I am here?" Yet, I know it doesn't matter anymore.

I am here, and it means nothing. That's all I really need to know.

I will not leave a mark. I will not make a difference. I will not shape the world to come.

Time travel is impossible. And for the sake of my own sanity, I am thankful.

Emotions blend, and the day moves on. Life blurs to death, and it doesn't mean a thing.

This is fine, I am content.

Just made the best mix cd EVAR. And I'm saving it for our roadtrip to Indiana this November for my birthday. It's going to be pretty hard not to listen to it. It's perfectly crafted for a roadtrip. Starts out epic and ends mellow, with a creamy center of punk, electronic, acoustic, and a little bluegrass. It's perfect in every way, for autumn, my brithday, and to celebrate Matt and I starting our 6th year together. I am thoroughly pleased. I now present to you:

Abby B-Day Mix '08

1. Green Day - Jesus of Suburbia
2. The Ramones - Judy is a Punk
3. The Mopes - Baby Doll
4. Osker - Anchor
5. Saves the Day - Third Engine
6. The Killers - On Top
7. Anna Ranger - Old Habits Die Hard
8. Coheed and Cambria - Once Upon Your Dead Body
9. Reggie and the Full Effect - Take Me Home Please
10. Death Cab for Cutie - Your Heart is an Empty Room
11. Modest Mouse - Out of Gas
12. The Spill Canvas - 3685
13. Mr. T Experience - Sorry for Freaking Out (on the phone last night)
14. Iron Horse - Ocean Breathes Salty (MM cover)
15. Matt Pond PA - Brooklyn Stars

<3 <3

I'm pretty sure this is going to be a long entry. If I only knew how to LJ-cut. 

I haven't had much to say since my whole depressed winter episode, and I suppose I've just needed time to separate those few months from my very being. I don't like remembering what it felt like, because if I do, it still seems very real. And I'd hate to fall back into a state like that. I'm very anxious for this upcoming winter, and am going to try everything possible not to make it a repeat of the last. If I have to buy those fake sun lamps to keeps myself from being a rotting pile of angst, then I'll do so. With that said, we'll move on to more important things.

I briefly recall informing everyone of my employment at the local Holiday Inn. It is so so so awesome. At the risk of sounding lazy, it is the most incredibly easy job. I work the front desk, mostly second shifts. This means that I check people in, fold laundry, set wake-up calls, and smoke an hourly cigarette. For instance, tonight I have a total of four check-ins. Granted, it's a holiday and that is unusually low for a weekday, but you get my point. EASY. The weekends, however, can be a different story. We usually have a full house on weekends, which can produce all sorts of fun. You know, fire alarms, pool floods, poopy toilets, vomit, turds in the hot tub. But yeah, my main point: I LOVE MY JOB.

 I've been a tad on the unhealthy side lately. I'm sure most of you already know, but for those who don't, here's a quick recap. I've had lymphodenopathy (swollen lymph nodes all over my body) for about two to three months now. I just started feeling weird one day, and since then I've been to the doctor at least once a week. First the tried antibiotics, and then a second round of antibiotics to no avail. Then I was told I had mono. I was excited, and felt on the mend. Then some more lymph nodes popped up, I went back to the doctor, took another blood test which came back negative for mono, and thusly no one knows what is wrong with me. I've already had numerous blood test which shows some weird blood counts. I had a chest x-ray which shows thoracic widening. I had a CAT scan which shows multiple clusters of swollen nodes inside my chest. SO. Basically, the doctor told me that since it's not an infection, it could possibly be some kind of cancer. Lymphoma, maybe. I've been having all sorts of other weird stuff and unlucky stuff going on with my body lately, in addition to all that other stuff. I'm pretty much in a wait and see game right now. I'll be sure to let everyone know when I get the final diagnosis. In the meantime, everybody pray that what I have isn't too awful bad, and if it is, that I can get through it. 

This brings me to my next topic. Death. Oooh fun, i know. Being in a position such as myself, I've reflected on the subject. The possibility that something COULD be wrong with me and COULD change my life forever, has me thinking over my past and my choices and generally, life and living as a whole. While I can't change the past, I do regret many things. I hate it when people say they don't regret anything at all. "The past is the past, and I am who I am." That kind of bullshit. Everyone fucks up at one point or another, and it's ok to regret it. If some one says they don't regret anything, then in essence they're saying either that they've never fucked up or that they don't want to take responsibility for their fuck-ups. Anyhow. I've fucked up a lot in my past, and still continue to fuck up. But I'm sincerely trying to change that.

I would most definately like to quit smoking sometime in the near future. It's a major figurative and literal cloud lurking over me. I feel guilty everytime I smoke, mostly because of having to watch my grandpa die of lung cancer. ,Also, I feel partly to blame for the increase in Colby's smoking habit during the time we were together.. I don't know if he still smokes, but he was picking it up quite a bit at the time. And becasue I know he went through a similar situation with his grandma, I feel even worse. I'd like for Matt to quit smoking as well, because the longer he's around, the happier I am. My sister managed to quit smoking after she had her heart attack, and I'm very oddly proud of her. Just goes to show, I DO have a heart.

This brings me to my NEXT topic: Matt and Colby and Amy. Whatever I have to say about Colby, I know Matt's going to go on the defensive. But, it's in my head and I'd like to get out. Regardless of whatever relationship Colby and I had, or whatever kind of person Matt or I have dismissed him to be, it doesn't change the fact he IS a person and not a bad one. I treated him and Matt very badly simultaneous for which I feel very guilty. I abused these relationships to further my feelings of self-worth. Luckily Matt and I resolved for the better, and love each other very much. I wish I could have been a good enough person to resolve just a friendship with Colby, because at the present time I realize that people need friends, including myself. My relationship with my sister I know will never heal, and I'm fine with that. But that doesn't mean that I don't regret all of the negativity produced by me towards her. I hate looking back and seeing how much I've hurt people regardless of the hurt they've caused me. I'm strong, and I'll get over it. But sometimes I wonder if I've gone far enough to damage someone. I really hope I haven't, and I'd like to think of myself as incapable of doing so.  But in case I have, I am incrediably sorry. 

I definately had a lot more to say than all that. But, "all that" took me four hours. So, for now, I bid thee all farewell.

pooooooooooooooooooooooooop.

i need medical insurance.

My head hurts. Badly. Either I'm going blind, I have a tumor, or I need new glasses. Or I'm going blind.


Not much to say on the psychological front. Most days I feel like crap. Some days I feel alright. That's how it goes. The new Shins album is pretty sweet, though.

I'm going to go put a hex on my eyeballs now. Ok. Maybe not a hex. But I'll give them the ol' stink eye in the mirror.

I think I was a dolphin in a past life.

At the very least, a goldfish.

i'm willing to admit that there is nothing left in my heart or mind.

I don't think I've ever felt like this in my entire life. Maybe I've felt little weakened bits, but nothing this strong or overpowering. Nothing has fallen apart. Everything has come to the front of my brain, and thusly clogged the pipes. I can't think. And when I can, I wish I hadn't.

I'm very very confused.

Otherwise, I started playing WoW today, and I feel like a giant nerd. Mostly because I had fun. And I wish I were playing it now. I have a Level 5 Human Warlock! Ha. Ha.

I also need to do two things tonight:

- pay my cell phone bill
- file for unemployment

I should also do the dishes.

I pretty much just want to lay around and listen to Plans.

yawn.

out of nowhere, i have decided that:

life is what you make it, and I have made mine shitty. i am nowhere, going nowhere, and it's my own fault. i have no one to please anymore besides myself, and I can't even do that.

i'm not looking for sympathy. i am looking for clarity. i'm not looking for a brighter future. i'm looking for a future which doesn't involve self-doubt/hate. i'm not looking for someone to come fix my problems. i'm just looking for a life where I can consistently sleep in the same bed as my husband, sleep well, and sleep enough. i'm not looking for approval. i'm waiting on the two people i love the most in this world to listen to me and take me seriously.

I need someone to smack me and say "Snap out of it!!" I'm so nervous about working tomorrow. I got a call this morning saying I have to work in Dayton at 9:15am. Aaaaaahhhhh! Don't want to work with different people, with different customers, and in a different store where they do things differently. Different is the key word here, if you hadn't caught on. As much as I have come to annoyance with working at the store in Wilmington, at least I know what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with.

Sigh. Nervous nervous nervous.

I have to drive about 30 minutes to get there, so I think I'm going to make a cheery mix CD to ease my nerves on my way up.

I can't sit still.

I've calmed down a bit since my last entry.

Just wanted to make a quick update about my 50 book status. I'm still at one...

I'm in the process of numbah duece. I would be finished with number 2 if I hadn't grabbed the wrong book at the library. I had the book I wanted in my hand, and picked up another book to look over. I decided against that second book, but accidentally put the first book back on the shelf. Didn't notice until I got home. I ended up bringing home a book called "Callgirl," a true story about, well, a callgirl. It has a picture of a boobie on the front and considering the town I live in, I might be considered on the watch list at the library. It's an interesting enough book, but it's not the one I wanted.

So, here's to big tittied escorts everywhere. Keep on keepin' on.

I wanted to scream after I worked today. I wanted to run out to my car and pound the stearing wheel and scream as loudly as I could. WORK SUCKED. Tomorrow is our last day of business before we close to remodel. They plummeted gas prices to bring in business. We're trying to clear out as much merchandise as possible by way of purchase. That way we have less for vendor pick-up and tranfers. So. It was crazy busy all day, and we have a new employee named Roberta. Roberta. Robert, with an "a". And, one of our regular customers was a complete asshole to me. It's not unusual, he's always an asshole. It's still dumb all the same.

Venting. Sorry.

My sleep schedule is all messed up. I'm grumpy. I'm bored. I have plenty of stuff around the house I need to do, but I just don't feel like it.

Next song. NEXT SONG!

REAGAN SMASH! REAGAN SMASH!

Here's a little thingamajig to monitor my progress in my goal of reading fifty-two books this year.

1 / 52 (2.0%)

I'm going to try and read one book a week, obviously. I might even get a little ambitious and read two per week, but we'll see. I've decided that for my base goal of 52, I'm going to go through the alphabet by author in the fiction section of the library. Twenty-six letters, twice through. If i'm going to read two per week, the second book will be chosen from the non-fiction section starting with the 000's and going through the 900's, one book per hundred, several times over through the year. Well, about five times over, if that makes any sense.

My goal cherry popper was a book called "Important Things That Don't Matter" by David Amsden. Decent read, actually excellent, until about two-thirds into it. A few of the chapters got pretty boring, and then it picked up towards the end. It's definitely a must-read for those of you who are my age or a bit older. Don't ask why, read it for yourself.

So yeah. Basically the next year is going to be chock full of these types of entires. Skip them if you please, or if you're looking for a book to read maybe check in and see what I recommend. I usually have pretty good taste in books and can tell a keeper from a shitpile.

Otherwise, not much going on. Just spent the last three days getting up at 5am and enduring sleep deprivation. I'm back on a normal schedule until next Monday. Then I'm back to the early shifts for three or four days. AND THEN!!!!! And then we close the store down on the 21st. Bout damn time. We're closing the store so that it can be torn down and a newer, bigger, and better store can be built in it's place. It's going to take about 3-6 months to rebuild, during which I can travel to other stores to work. However, I'm thinking of getting another job so that I won't have to drive great lengths every day., and return to UDF when we reopen. I'm pretty excited about closing and maybe getting some time off. I need a mini vacay. Work has been tense, and we're all getting sick of each other. Blah blah blah.

Also, minimum wage has been upped. Yeah, yeah. Woohoo and what-not. It's just going to force a raise in the cost of buying, already evident by the replacement of the medium fry with the small fry on the McDonald's Dollar Menu. That seems like a total fatass thing to say, but trust me, it's going to affect all aspects of the nation's industry. Meaning: it's all going to even out economically, if not get worse for the nation's "poor".

And with that, I conclude with an excerpt from possibly the most introspective and meaningful rap song the world has ever known:

"Slob on my knob
like corn on the cob
check in with me
and do your job

lay on the bed
and give me head
don't have to ask
dont have to beg

Juicy is my name
sex is my game
lets call the boys
let's run a train

squeeze on my nuts
lick on my butt
the naturally curly hair
please don't touch

sucka niggaz dick or sumthin"

Thank you, Three 6 Mafia, for being you.

Here's my schedule for this week:

Today (6am to 1pm)
Tuesday (6am to 12pm)
Wednesday (6am to 2pm)
Thursday (1pm to 7pm)
Friday (off)
Saturday (7am to 2pm) or possibly (5pm to 1am)
Sunday (off)

Major suck.

Next week is looking horrifically similar.

And a couple weeks after that, I start my opening training which means 3am to 1pm on most days.

Somebody kill me please. I'm on my knees. Pretty pretty please. Kill me.

If you don't know what that's from and you took me seriously, then you are a douchebag.

Start a savings account...check! I'm pretty happy about it.

Maybe I should set goals for this year. If I were to try and set realistic goals to make my life more of what I'd like it to be, they might include:

1. Find a new job. One with consistent hours and decent pay. I'm quite content with the knowledge that I will never be rich. The wages I make now keep me comfortable, more so than I've ever experienced on my own. So, I would definitely need to make as much as I do now, if not a bit more. I'd like to have similar hours to what Matt works, which is not the current situation. It sucks. We rarely see each other. My job is not the worst, but it has some major annoyances. Basically I could do better, but it's not necessary.

2. Read more. My job zaps me intellectually. My customers and co-workers predominately speak in fluent white trash. Ain't. Done been. Got none. Etc. My brain feels like it's dying. I need to regain some wrinkles before it's too late. Reading more would be good. Perhaps a book a week.

3. Lose weight. Bah. I know it's possible. Just oh so hard.

4. Move. House, apartment, I don't care. Just far from the Superhero Lead Guitarist of the Future.

5. Open a savings account and save at least 100 dollars a month. It would be fairly easy. I should actually get on that tomorrow.

6. Get rid of my truck and get a new car. Hybrid, perhaps?

7. Learn to make a new recipe every couple of weeks. Easypeasy.

omg. i'm old and boring and make cupcakes.

i no longer have:

a sense of humor.
good taste in music.
a best friend. (or so it feels.)
patience. (not that I had much to begin with.)
and resemblence of me in any aspect.

I feel out of touch with myself. Am I having a pre-mid-life crisis? A mid-mid-life crisis? A quarter-life crisis? (omgjohnmayerwokka)

How do you get to know yourself?

IT'S TWOTHOUSANDFUCKINGSEVEN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! I might as well be dead. I'm 23. I've peaked. It's all downhill from here, folks. Nothing but Geritol and Ensure. Will someone please send me some old tennis balls? My walker tends to catch on the carpet.

AUGH.

old. old. old.

I've been feeling uninterested lately. What do I do when I'm uninterested? I make cupcakes. Lot's of cupcakes. I'm ready for something different. That's all I know.

Christmas was okay. I worked 11 days straight over the holiday. That was a fucking blast.

Got lots of money and a Hallmark "1st Christmas" ornament. By far, my favvy.

Anyways. Gotta frost some cupcakes.